my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize