Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
