The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
