She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
