Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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