My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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