she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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