She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
