saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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