My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Floor bacon is actually really good
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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