im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
