4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize