peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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