I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
