and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
