My friends, they love my intelligence
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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