Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
