my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
