i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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