Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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