Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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