You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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