I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
