I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
