I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize