The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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