last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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