I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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