Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
