I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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