I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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