I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ugly people sure do ruin things
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
