I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
