the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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