It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
