just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
