i was born a porn star she said
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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