he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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