My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
