Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
