He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
