i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
