After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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