remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
