Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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