um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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