i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
