I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
