and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
