from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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