Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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