My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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