you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
