just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Panties = found
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
