Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
