When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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