I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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