i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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