Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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