Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
