They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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