I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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